I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
