Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
