you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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