I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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