oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
