You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
