I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
