if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
