Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I touched a dick in church today
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
