im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
