WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
