Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
