her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
