Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
