Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
