I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
