You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
