i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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