I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
