Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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