i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Say something about gay babies.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
