Where is the hickey?
I skipped work to stalk him.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
