after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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