She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
