When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
