You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
