I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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