one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
