OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im holly from the hills drunk
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
