I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
