If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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