I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
