I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I look better un-naked...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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