i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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