My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
