I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
