If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
