Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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