Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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