Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
