Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
