so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Please don't give away my fajitas
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
