We're facebook friends in real life
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
