I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
