I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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