Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
