I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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