i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
