I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
