im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
