You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
