At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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