You can't special order awesome
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
