Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
