I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
