The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
