apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize