Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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