turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
