Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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