I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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